My entire life has revolved around producing content of one form or another and somehow being both good and not good enough to rise above the noise. Yet still, I remain like some artistic sadist because, in the end, every word, every picture, painting, and creative idea expresses who I am. I can’t stop doing it. It’s who I am. This is likely why I take rejection so hard, but conversely, it’s why I couldn’t quit if I wanted to.
You are brave enough to let yourself be vulnerable & to share it. You know there is a possibility of rejection, but you keep on!!! I admire you for that.
We all have insecurities @ times. They are made worse by social media because we look @ posts & think they are so wonderful, they are so put together. They are so smart, lucky, beautiful, they have such a great life.
They may be all those things, @ times.
You don’t see the times they’re dealing with their insecurities, the times they wonder why am I even trying, why am I even here???
I have lived long enough to discover that looking for validation is a giant set up for disappointment .
People very seldom are going to admit they have the feelings you write about .
They are afraid of rejection, or worse yet someone attacking them because they have doubts & insecurities. When I Rick & I started dating, it wasn’t very long before he said,” don’t know if I am going to be able to break the walls that you have built to protect yourself.”
I knew I had built walls because I had been hurt by the very person who was
supposed to protect me. I was told repeatedly I was stupid, I couldn’t do anything right, so on & so on. I grew to realize that was insecurities that my parent had not dealt with.
There were things I didn’t share with Rick, because I was afraid if he & I got divorced, could use them against me to get custody of our children.
It is amazing how far down the rabbit hole our thoughts can take us.
I admire you for your honesty. I admire you for giving people the freedom to share their insecurities. I admire you, because you keep keeping on. I do not gaslight people. Aaron has told many of his friends that if they didn’t want honesty, don’t ask my mom what she thinks about anything because she will be honest & tell you. I tell you this because I want you to know if I didn’t feel these things I wouldn’t write them.
I sincerely appreciate you for reading and commenting week after week and truly it means a lot. I think too many times we fake the funk especially on social media and I just can’t do it. I’ll be honest and vulnerable because it’s true and if I’m anything it’s honest I’d hope. I actually called Aaron the other day when I was spiraling a bit and he really helped just by listening and I’m sure he gets that and his brutal honesty from you, which is a good thing. Thank you again .
Last week I wrote an essay on value. Many of the sentiments herein were echoed. Funny thing, I didn’t think it was good enough by my standards of myself so I didn’t post it.
I think if you’re a writer then you’re a person who has wrestled with validation, both internal and external. We aren’t digging ditches after all. The work is us and we are the work. So criticism or rejection seems a criticism or rejection of us. It isn’t. But it is a difficult thing to differentiate. Even more so when it’s self inflicted.
My wife finally read my new book last week and told me with a straight face that it was sophomoric. Granted, the book she read before that was Dostoyevsky’s masterpiece Brothers Karamazov, but still. You want to talk about the opposite of validation.
Here is what I understand, it is rejection and criticism that moves the artist forward, so long as they have the internal calm to accept that the rejection or criticism is not of them but of something they did, a ditch they dug. And so the next ditch may be straighter, deeper.
Man that is perfect. I know we all wrestle with it for sure. This line was spot on “ So criticism or rejection seems a criticism or rejection of us.” Man, post that shit. Not that I’m glad you feel the same way but in a way it’s good to see people I look up to dealing with the same thing from time to time. I also agree that criticism from the right people helps us grow. I had a peace edited for a magazine early on and the editor eviscerated it and that stung. But he was right and the resulting article was better after I got over my pride. I’ve taken that experience and learned to edit better over the years (or edit at all) and I’m thankful to grow. Personally, I know a lot of this is hanging on my upcoming poetry book release with DRC and I’m terrified it’ll flop like my earlier books did. I guess either way I gave it my all and the next will be better because there’s hopefully always a next time to improve on last time. Here’s hoping. Thanks dude. Means a lot you read / replied.
You really have to do it for you. Every time I publish, I find something I didn’t do as well as I wish I did. Or an editor changes something to a way I don’t love. And then there’s the rejection letters or worse yet, the ghosting.
Absolutely! I realized that even when I've hit these milemarkers in moments past even that isn't enough. Seems like the striving is better than the getting sometimes. This article, I think, is an example of just doing the damn thing because it's all I know to do. If I hadn't burned all my prior journals in 2009 I'd have evidence of my scrawling as a way to process things for the decades prior. The fact is I LOVE to write and always have. The pain of rejection sometimes feels like that thing will get taken away, or rather, I'll never see the "fruit" of it for lack of voice to sustain the effort. But, perhaps the fruit is the journey...or something. Either way, it'll make sense when it does.
I can relate to a lot of this. The lifelong struggle of “why am I even trying anymore.” As cliche as it sounds, keep doing what you’re doing. Purpose is so hard to define let alone find in this life.
You are a persistent person who has always worked to better yourself!!! Finding your purpose is a journey. You have been through some really terrible times, which you could never have seen coming!!! You survived, you excelled & you didn’t quit.
You have grown, overcome & never played the victim!!!
I’m so blessed to have you in my life!!! I’m so very proud of you!!!
Thank you so much. I always fear that people think I’m being a victim when I process how I feel because that’s never my intent or mindset so thank you. Sometimes not quitting is a win in of itself.
I love my brother! I too have areas God has had to heal when it comes to validation. As a matter of fact, I was just struggling with it 2 weeks ago and had to go apologize to a co-worker. When I started to beat myself up, the old familiar children’s song played in my head, “God’s still working on me…” I found comfort in the fact that I’m still in a process. I guess when He gets done I’ll go home. Stan, your process is your work! Your transparency is His purposes being fulfilled. You are currently living smack dab in walking it out, messy, beautifully , clumsily, and perfectly imperfect. I love my brother!
One thing I always tell my writing students is to learn to love the process, as it's the only place to find lasting fulfillment. Those victories—seeing your name on top of a published piece—last an instant. Whereas the defeats (the ceaseless "passes") seem to last forever. But the process is something you can control. And if you can find joy there, it's a forever thing. It's a frustrating game for sure. But you've got tons of talent, which ain't easy to come by. Keep up the great work, brother.
Thanks man! Yea I’m beginning to see the value more and more in just grinding it out and win or lose just writing about it helps me. Hence this article. I was bummed as hell this past weekend and kept spiraling and just said screw it I’ll write about it and even though the sting was still there, there was some relief just in the process of jotting it down.
Writing has helped me process a lot of trauma. I can feel in this writing that it has helped you too.
Absolutely
Stan. Validation comes from many sources. I’m so glad you wrote this from your heart. Keep it up! Love and hugs always.
Absolutely! Thank you as always for reading
You are more than enough!!!
You are brave enough to let yourself be vulnerable & to share it. You know there is a possibility of rejection, but you keep on!!! I admire you for that.
We all have insecurities @ times. They are made worse by social media because we look @ posts & think they are so wonderful, they are so put together. They are so smart, lucky, beautiful, they have such a great life.
They may be all those things, @ times.
You don’t see the times they’re dealing with their insecurities, the times they wonder why am I even trying, why am I even here???
I have lived long enough to discover that looking for validation is a giant set up for disappointment .
People very seldom are going to admit they have the feelings you write about .
They are afraid of rejection, or worse yet someone attacking them because they have doubts & insecurities. When I Rick & I started dating, it wasn’t very long before he said,” don’t know if I am going to be able to break the walls that you have built to protect yourself.”
I knew I had built walls because I had been hurt by the very person who was
supposed to protect me. I was told repeatedly I was stupid, I couldn’t do anything right, so on & so on. I grew to realize that was insecurities that my parent had not dealt with.
There were things I didn’t share with Rick, because I was afraid if he & I got divorced, could use them against me to get custody of our children.
It is amazing how far down the rabbit hole our thoughts can take us.
I admire you for your honesty. I admire you for giving people the freedom to share their insecurities. I admire you, because you keep keeping on. I do not gaslight people. Aaron has told many of his friends that if they didn’t want honesty, don’t ask my mom what she thinks about anything because she will be honest & tell you. I tell you this because I want you to know if I didn’t feel these things I wouldn’t write them.
Anytime!!!
I sincerely appreciate you for reading and commenting week after week and truly it means a lot. I think too many times we fake the funk especially on social media and I just can’t do it. I’ll be honest and vulnerable because it’s true and if I’m anything it’s honest I’d hope. I actually called Aaron the other day when I was spiraling a bit and he really helped just by listening and I’m sure he gets that and his brutal honesty from you, which is a good thing. Thank you again .
"As I wring the blood out of the page, I find clarity through the process. " This. Is. Powerful.
Thanks so much man!
Last week I wrote an essay on value. Many of the sentiments herein were echoed. Funny thing, I didn’t think it was good enough by my standards of myself so I didn’t post it.
I think if you’re a writer then you’re a person who has wrestled with validation, both internal and external. We aren’t digging ditches after all. The work is us and we are the work. So criticism or rejection seems a criticism or rejection of us. It isn’t. But it is a difficult thing to differentiate. Even more so when it’s self inflicted.
My wife finally read my new book last week and told me with a straight face that it was sophomoric. Granted, the book she read before that was Dostoyevsky’s masterpiece Brothers Karamazov, but still. You want to talk about the opposite of validation.
Here is what I understand, it is rejection and criticism that moves the artist forward, so long as they have the internal calm to accept that the rejection or criticism is not of them but of something they did, a ditch they dug. And so the next ditch may be straighter, deeper.
Keep digging, Stan.
Man that is perfect. I know we all wrestle with it for sure. This line was spot on “ So criticism or rejection seems a criticism or rejection of us.” Man, post that shit. Not that I’m glad you feel the same way but in a way it’s good to see people I look up to dealing with the same thing from time to time. I also agree that criticism from the right people helps us grow. I had a peace edited for a magazine early on and the editor eviscerated it and that stung. But he was right and the resulting article was better after I got over my pride. I’ve taken that experience and learned to edit better over the years (or edit at all) and I’m thankful to grow. Personally, I know a lot of this is hanging on my upcoming poetry book release with DRC and I’m terrified it’ll flop like my earlier books did. I guess either way I gave it my all and the next will be better because there’s hopefully always a next time to improve on last time. Here’s hoping. Thanks dude. Means a lot you read / replied.
You really have to do it for you. Every time I publish, I find something I didn’t do as well as I wish I did. Or an editor changes something to a way I don’t love. And then there’s the rejection letters or worse yet, the ghosting.
Do this for you. Anyone/thing else is gravy.
Absolutely! I realized that even when I've hit these milemarkers in moments past even that isn't enough. Seems like the striving is better than the getting sometimes. This article, I think, is an example of just doing the damn thing because it's all I know to do. If I hadn't burned all my prior journals in 2009 I'd have evidence of my scrawling as a way to process things for the decades prior. The fact is I LOVE to write and always have. The pain of rejection sometimes feels like that thing will get taken away, or rather, I'll never see the "fruit" of it for lack of voice to sustain the effort. But, perhaps the fruit is the journey...or something. Either way, it'll make sense when it does.
Keep on truckin’, Bud!
Heck yea! Only thing I can do.
I can relate to a lot of this. The lifelong struggle of “why am I even trying anymore.” As cliche as it sounds, keep doing what you’re doing. Purpose is so hard to define let alone find in this life.
Absolutely!!!
You’re trying because you are not a quitter!!!
You are a persistent person who has always worked to better yourself!!! Finding your purpose is a journey. You have been through some really terrible times, which you could never have seen coming!!! You survived, you excelled & you didn’t quit.
You have grown, overcome & never played the victim!!!
I’m so blessed to have you in my life!!! I’m so very proud of you!!!
Thank you so much. I always fear that people think I’m being a victim when I process how I feel because that’s never my intent or mindset so thank you. Sometimes not quitting is a win in of itself.
Man I agree, the only way through it is forward. Appreciate you bro.
I love my brother! I too have areas God has had to heal when it comes to validation. As a matter of fact, I was just struggling with it 2 weeks ago and had to go apologize to a co-worker. When I started to beat myself up, the old familiar children’s song played in my head, “God’s still working on me…” I found comfort in the fact that I’m still in a process. I guess when He gets done I’ll go home. Stan, your process is your work! Your transparency is His purposes being fulfilled. You are currently living smack dab in walking it out, messy, beautifully , clumsily, and perfectly imperfect. I love my brother!
Thank you so much for sticking with me all these years and believing in my weirdness. Messy is what I do best haha.
One thing I always tell my writing students is to learn to love the process, as it's the only place to find lasting fulfillment. Those victories—seeing your name on top of a published piece—last an instant. Whereas the defeats (the ceaseless "passes") seem to last forever. But the process is something you can control. And if you can find joy there, it's a forever thing. It's a frustrating game for sure. But you've got tons of talent, which ain't easy to come by. Keep up the great work, brother.
Thanks man! Yea I’m beginning to see the value more and more in just grinding it out and win or lose just writing about it helps me. Hence this article. I was bummed as hell this past weekend and kept spiraling and just said screw it I’ll write about it and even though the sting was still there, there was some relief just in the process of jotting it down.
Keep on keeping on!
Your Old Faithful Cheerleader
We’re in this together. Thanks always for the encouragement.