To my son, had you been born, I wonder if you’d have looked like me. I wanted to write you and perhaps apologize and explain why you don’t exist outside my mind. I decided a long time ago that fatherhood likely wouldn’t suit me. I carry too many bad genes.
I too find myself wrestling with my decision. At times, I let out a great sigh of relief. Part of the hole has been filled with a wonderful niece who seems to think the world of me. Her father has been absent since she was 2, and I have been able to be at least a bit of a father figure to her. She is 16 now and still saves the seat next to her for me. My heart is full
I am truly touched by your post. Remember, it's never too late. I found love at age 79.
I have three children. My son has a son of his bloodline. One daughter has two stepchildren from her husband's first marriage. My other daughter was not able to conceive, even through IVF. Every person is different.
The best thing I can see for you is to live your life in such a way IT will be your living legacy. Get involved with Big Brothers, foster children, any way in which you can help a child and make a difference in his or her life. You have it in you and your honesty and life experiences will make you a great dad, or mentor. Thank you for writing this.
Thank you. Yea it just wasn’t in the cards for my wife and I for many reasons but with the children’s books I have written and work I’ve done over the years with kids I hope I’ve impacted them in a positive way. Makes me more able to be the “cool” uncle to my nieces and nephews too I suppose haha. So it’s all about perspective and sometimes just writing it all down helps me process it all. Thank you for reading and for your encouragement.
As one of the children of a parent that probably shouldn’t have had children, I am glad that some people chose not to have children.
When you asked what legacy you will be leaving…
None of us know, parent or non parent. We all leave behind a legacy. We have affected people’s lives, whether we are aware or not.
You will leave a legacy of love, of kindness, curiosity & creativity. You will leave a legacy that lets people know that it’s ok to not be ok @ times. You will leave good memories about your enthusiasm for God’s creation & your willingness to share your knowledge on it.
You will leave a legend of laughter & one of caring.
Your insight is amazing & your willingness to share your thoughts is appreciated more than you know.
I didn’t want kids until I did. I don’t think there’s a right answer, just the fork you took. Either way, his is hard, sad, lovely, real writing and I appreciate it.
I never considered it until my brother had his first kid and something shifted a bit but that shift never occurred for my wife and it takes two to tango so here we are and it’s honest but it’s life. Thanks for reading man.
Thank you so much for your perspective Fred. I actually read your story when you guest posted for Michael VM and it gave me a lot of hope and also just enjoyed your outlook on things. Thanks so much for taking the time to comment.
Wow Stan. A hard read for me. We chose the opposite. We knew we wanted kids and grandkids and maybe soon great grandkids. It was a serious choice we made even before marriage. It has been rough at times, heartbreaking to say the least, but so rewarding also. Each to his own though. It saddens me that you felt you would not have been a good parent. From the person I see, you would have been. Don’t count yourself out. Parenting is a choice not to be taken lightly. I’m glad you made the decision that was right for you! Much love!
Damn. Got me right in the gut with this one. I will say this, as a parent to two young kids, I'm privy to a lot of other parents at this point in my life. And that exposure really makes me appreciate the people who realized they didn't want/shouldn't have kids. Because not all parents should be parents. Anyway, much love to you, as ever.
Thanks dude. There’s so much nuance to this as I’m sure you know but this was a stripped down lament or more so me just wrestling with the decision whether that choice was in my control or not I still live with it. I’ve enjoyed reading your stuff too because it shows that vulnerability and reality to that stuff.
For sure. And I'm sure you'll be asking yourself the same question for the rest of your life. On the other side of the coin, had you chosen to have kids, you'd be asking yourself the <other> question.
Well sir, that truly hits home. Thank you, from another who told himself the same things
Thanks man. It’s such a mixed bag of emotions and I go back and forth and likely will forever.
I too find myself wrestling with my decision. At times, I let out a great sigh of relief. Part of the hole has been filled with a wonderful niece who seems to think the world of me. Her father has been absent since she was 2, and I have been able to be at least a bit of a father figure to her. She is 16 now and still saves the seat next to her for me. My heart is full
That’s amazing! That’s how I try to frame it with my nieces and nephews although currently I’m just the eccentric uncle I suppose haha
I am truly touched by your post. Remember, it's never too late. I found love at age 79.
I have three children. My son has a son of his bloodline. One daughter has two stepchildren from her husband's first marriage. My other daughter was not able to conceive, even through IVF. Every person is different.
The best thing I can see for you is to live your life in such a way IT will be your living legacy. Get involved with Big Brothers, foster children, any way in which you can help a child and make a difference in his or her life. You have it in you and your honesty and life experiences will make you a great dad, or mentor. Thank you for writing this.
Thank you. Yea it just wasn’t in the cards for my wife and I for many reasons but with the children’s books I have written and work I’ve done over the years with kids I hope I’ve impacted them in a positive way. Makes me more able to be the “cool” uncle to my nieces and nephews too I suppose haha. So it’s all about perspective and sometimes just writing it all down helps me process it all. Thank you for reading and for your encouragement.
Thank you for replying. You've now left a more upbeat, positive idea of who you are. And I like that person's outlook on life.
As a mother, my heart breaks for you.
As one of the children of a parent that probably shouldn’t have had children, I am glad that some people chose not to have children.
When you asked what legacy you will be leaving…
None of us know, parent or non parent. We all leave behind a legacy. We have affected people’s lives, whether we are aware or not.
You will leave a legacy of love, of kindness, curiosity & creativity. You will leave a legacy that lets people know that it’s ok to not be ok @ times. You will leave good memories about your enthusiasm for God’s creation & your willingness to share your knowledge on it.
You will leave a legend of laughter & one of caring.
Your insight is amazing & your willingness to share your thoughts is appreciated more than you know.
Thank you!!!
Thank you! That’s a legacy worth leaving I believe.
Me too!!!
I didn’t want kids until I did. I don’t think there’s a right answer, just the fork you took. Either way, his is hard, sad, lovely, real writing and I appreciate it.
I never considered it until my brother had his first kid and something shifted a bit but that shift never occurred for my wife and it takes two to tango so here we are and it’s honest but it’s life. Thanks for reading man.
Stan this is an emotional truth bomb to people on both sides of that decision.
I didn't become a Dad until I was 50, post Army service of 30 years...and a couple of ego self indulgent jobs after that.
I'm more prepared to be a Dad in many ways, yet perhaps also stuck in another manner of being at times.
I can begin the transition to grumpy old guy if I am not careful.
Being a Dad is distinct and different from Fathering a child.
I'm not sure any of us know if we are good at it on any given day.
Maybe it's ego that makes any of us think that we might be successful in the face of the odds against us.
I'm hopeful that our collective efforts at community prove valuable.
Thank you so much for your perspective Fred. I actually read your story when you guest posted for Michael VM and it gave me a lot of hope and also just enjoyed your outlook on things. Thanks so much for taking the time to comment.
Whoa, Stan. This was a steam roller out of left field. Thank you for writing it.
Haha thanks bud. Congrats again on the award btw!
Thank you, brother. I appreciate your support more than I can express.
Wow Stan. A hard read for me. We chose the opposite. We knew we wanted kids and grandkids and maybe soon great grandkids. It was a serious choice we made even before marriage. It has been rough at times, heartbreaking to say the least, but so rewarding also. Each to his own though. It saddens me that you felt you would not have been a good parent. From the person I see, you would have been. Don’t count yourself out. Parenting is a choice not to be taken lightly. I’m glad you made the decision that was right for you! Much love!
In many ways I think this is just trying to justify the decision / circumstance I’m in but also I’ll never really know. Thanks for reading.
Damn. Got me right in the gut with this one. I will say this, as a parent to two young kids, I'm privy to a lot of other parents at this point in my life. And that exposure really makes me appreciate the people who realized they didn't want/shouldn't have kids. Because not all parents should be parents. Anyway, much love to you, as ever.
Thanks dude. There’s so much nuance to this as I’m sure you know but this was a stripped down lament or more so me just wrestling with the decision whether that choice was in my control or not I still live with it. I’ve enjoyed reading your stuff too because it shows that vulnerability and reality to that stuff.
For sure. And I'm sure you'll be asking yourself the same question for the rest of your life. On the other side of the coin, had you chosen to have kids, you'd be asking yourself the <other> question.
Haha fair enough