We drove the roads of Iraq like Bedouins with bigger sheep, aimlessly following the trucks in front of us and hauling things that weren’t worth our lives.
"but my brain has other creative scenarios to torment my slumber. I’m not even sure the war was the original source of my anxiety and insecurity. It’s as good as anything to blame because pointing fingers elsewhere would cause more problems than it’s worth. Let’s just say those roots run deep."
This is an honest and vulnerable admission. Unfortunately, I face a similar struggle with sleep. As a “recovering” alcoholic with regrets, I recently had a chance at redemption when I returned to a Central American country where I’d once been deceived.
Returning as an undercover investigator at a large hotel, uncovering embezzlement, corruption at the highest levels of law enforcement and government, and evidence of cartel activity and human trafficking.
During this period, I got by on cat naps during the day since nighttime was peaceful—the time when the enemy slept. But the work carried serious risks and once my role was exposed, the threats began. Now, the lead witness in the case faces weekly intimidation, and there’s a bounty on my head.
The jolts that break my open eyes always bring flashes of these dreams, usually tied to the original sources of my insecurities and social anxieties. Yes, the “roots run deep” and jotting it down here summons strength similar to the walking GPT, Worth Parker, that introduced me to this creative outlet.
Worth is a great guy and writing always helps me process this stuff. Thanks so much for reading and taking time to respond. It sounds like you’ve had an interesting journey for sure!
Yes, Worth is a solid and encouraging friend. I will be back. This is my first comment on Substack. My journey and vicinity to threatening violence is nothing what most of you have survived. Respect to all of you.
Thanks for reading. I had that epiphany years ago riding a motorcycle through the mountains and all at once that same dangerous freedom came bubbling back to the surface. It’s like when you’re exposed and life could end in a moment you’re most alive.
The light switch pressure plate looks like an old school "dimmer" switch for headlights that was located in the floorboard of older cars and the surroundings look like something from the Hills Have Eyes
Thank you! Thank you for sharing your experiences, your thoughts & your struggles.
A part of “moving on” is to remember what you have been through, face the challenges these experiences have brought to your life. It hurts to move on. There’s no time limit. You did a service for our country then and you are continuing to do so now. There are so many people who need to know they are not alone. There are so many people who have no idea how to move on. You are lighting the path for them. Thank you!
Your article is important, very important, not just to you but to all of us who’ve lived with constant hyper-vigilance. I feel what you write. It took me years to stop springing into action at the slightest sound, moving room to room with my shotgun, lighting up the corners with my tac light. It’s a battle many veterans fight in silence. Shamed into silence by a false bravado that serves no purpose. Sharing your experience makes a difference for those who still feel alone in that struggle, giving them a voice and hope for peace on the other side. May you find peace.
Thank you Fred. I believe I mostly have found a certain level of peace. Some of the things, like fan to sleep, is so ingrained it’s likely just a habit now. Not good or bad. I’m not jumpy like I used to be. This class with Worth has been really good in that I’m seeing I’m not alone and some of this stuff never really goes away but knowing others experience it somehow makes it easier to manage. I also agree our stories collectively are valuable. All too often veterans fall into the “I was just a…” camp and feel their service isn’t as valid as dudes that were “special” or etc. it’s also important to move on, which is why I often struggle to even write about war at all. Tim Obrien’s “the things they carried” gave me some solace there. All that to say I really appreciate you taking the time to read this.
Stan I so enjoy reading your stories. This one especially because you shared from your heart. It is hard to imagine what you went through as I never experienced having to serve in a war. Please keep writing from your heart. You have a real gift!! Love and hugs always!
Thank you so much. I could say the same about your former profession. You just do it one day at a time I suppose. I definitely had it easy compared to so many others that’s for sure.
"but my brain has other creative scenarios to torment my slumber. I’m not even sure the war was the original source of my anxiety and insecurity. It’s as good as anything to blame because pointing fingers elsewhere would cause more problems than it’s worth. Let’s just say those roots run deep."
This is an honest and vulnerable admission. Unfortunately, I face a similar struggle with sleep. As a “recovering” alcoholic with regrets, I recently had a chance at redemption when I returned to a Central American country where I’d once been deceived.
Returning as an undercover investigator at a large hotel, uncovering embezzlement, corruption at the highest levels of law enforcement and government, and evidence of cartel activity and human trafficking.
During this period, I got by on cat naps during the day since nighttime was peaceful—the time when the enemy slept. But the work carried serious risks and once my role was exposed, the threats began. Now, the lead witness in the case faces weekly intimidation, and there’s a bounty on my head.
The jolts that break my open eyes always bring flashes of these dreams, usually tied to the original sources of my insecurities and social anxieties. Yes, the “roots run deep” and jotting it down here summons strength similar to the walking GPT, Worth Parker, that introduced me to this creative outlet.
Worth is a great guy and writing always helps me process this stuff. Thanks so much for reading and taking time to respond. It sounds like you’ve had an interesting journey for sure!
Yes, Worth is a solid and encouraging friend. I will be back. This is my first comment on Substack. My journey and vicinity to threatening violence is nothing what most of you have survived. Respect to all of you.
Stan I sent it to my niece and many friends I told them that writing like this is why I won’t miss Worth’s class
Here is what my niece wrote in response
Excellent writing. I could FEEL it and relate to it even though I have never been in a war-zone or similar situation. Keep ‘em coming.
I told her to start following you on Substack I agree keep’em coming
Thanks Worth for posting
There is a dangerous kind of freedom behind a .50 cal. There is no better way to put that. Thanks for sharing this.
Thanks for reading. I had that epiphany years ago riding a motorcycle through the mountains and all at once that same dangerous freedom came bubbling back to the surface. It’s like when you’re exposed and life could end in a moment you’re most alive.
So true.
Well said brother
Thanks bro, you were on that mission too right?
Yessir
The light switch pressure plate looks like an old school "dimmer" switch for headlights that was located in the floorboard of older cars and the surroundings look like something from the Hills Have Eyes
Yea who knows they used all sorts of stuff. The hills did have eyes. People would just materialize out of the desert lol it was wild
Thank you! Thank you for sharing your experiences, your thoughts & your struggles.
A part of “moving on” is to remember what you have been through, face the challenges these experiences have brought to your life. It hurts to move on. There’s no time limit. You did a service for our country then and you are continuing to do so now. There are so many people who need to know they are not alone. There are so many people who have no idea how to move on. You are lighting the path for them. Thank you!
Thank you, that’s good insight.
Your article is important, very important, not just to you but to all of us who’ve lived with constant hyper-vigilance. I feel what you write. It took me years to stop springing into action at the slightest sound, moving room to room with my shotgun, lighting up the corners with my tac light. It’s a battle many veterans fight in silence. Shamed into silence by a false bravado that serves no purpose. Sharing your experience makes a difference for those who still feel alone in that struggle, giving them a voice and hope for peace on the other side. May you find peace.
Thank you Fred. I believe I mostly have found a certain level of peace. Some of the things, like fan to sleep, is so ingrained it’s likely just a habit now. Not good or bad. I’m not jumpy like I used to be. This class with Worth has been really good in that I’m seeing I’m not alone and some of this stuff never really goes away but knowing others experience it somehow makes it easier to manage. I also agree our stories collectively are valuable. All too often veterans fall into the “I was just a…” camp and feel their service isn’t as valid as dudes that were “special” or etc. it’s also important to move on, which is why I often struggle to even write about war at all. Tim Obrien’s “the things they carried” gave me some solace there. All that to say I really appreciate you taking the time to read this.
Stan I so enjoy reading your stories. This one especially because you shared from your heart. It is hard to imagine what you went through as I never experienced having to serve in a war. Please keep writing from your heart. You have a real gift!! Love and hugs always!
Thank you so much. I could say the same about your former profession. You just do it one day at a time I suppose. I definitely had it easy compared to so many others that’s for sure.
Powerful stuff, Stan.
Thank you so much man