Stan. I know exactly how you feel. Been there, done that. Stay strong. This will pass and you will come out stronger. Praying for you! See you soon. Love and Hugs!!
Thanks for sharing this Stan. We all have days like this, yet you keep on writing. That resilience is preparing you for a greater challenge. One day the world will let you know what it is, and your tank will be full of purpose.
I've been stuck so many times, and I don't think anything I have done has helped me get out of it. Some days just feel like filler, but if you keep putting one foot in front of the next and you find a new day where the sunshine actually warms your heart, and you find joy where you weren't looking for it.
If you feel alone, know we're all here for you. When it feels like nobody cares, know that we do. When it feels like nobody is listening, know that we are.
Bro, what you’re doing with this weekly post means more to people than you might realize. I’ve said it before and I’ll bet others agree, you say the things when they need to be said. Speaking for myself I always seem to read your writing at the time I needed a boost or a different perspective. I think that’s because what you’re saying, is what others are feeling! Life is tough right now, like Larry mentions. But I bet our grandparents and their grandparents had similar thoughts. Not to downplay our current feelings (I share yours) but i think we’re supposed to have different seasons. I think that’s what makes us. I also believe that we should change, not remain stagnant, and hardships help forge the person.
I’m definitely rambling, and far from eloquent, but don’t give up. I’m here for ya.
I appreciate you bro. I do think each season is a lesson for sure. We do have it easier than other generations but I suppose our hardships are just the ones we know and have to deal with. Thanks so much for reading.
Thank you for not skipping this week. Thank you for choosing honesty. That took courage.
I'm not going to tell you it gets better or that God has a plan. What I will tell you is this: you're not broken.
The death-by-a-thousand-cuts season you're in is the accumulated weight of serving everyone else while telling yourself your own needs don't matter as much. And I can tell you exactly where that comes from.
Our Christian culture's operating system is conditioned to see the cross as perfect love, making a perfect sacrifice. So we think sacrifice is the thing. To be worthy, we need to suffer to live up to the sacrifice. That plays incredibly well in military service, in ministry, in any culture that celebrates self-sacrifice.
We try to out-suffer each other. You can't run farther than I can? I'll run 100 miles to prove you can't. You can't carry more? I'll carry 150 pounds on my back to prove you can't. You can't sacrifice more? Watch me. Watch me. That's how we're wired.
"King Kong ain't got nothing on me." - Denzel Washington (Training Day)
And it works for a season, then it becomes the only thing you know how to do. Then it's just slow suicide with a halo on.
You're yelling at the steering wheel because you're still trying to out-suffer your way to meaning. Still waiting for God to give you a mission dramatic enough to justify existing. Still measuring your worth by how much you can carry for other people. But the ego that told you suffering was the way is also the barrier to healing: we never admit that we need rest, that we need help, that we're allowed to be human instead of a sacrifice machine.
God's not answering because the answer isn't another assignment. It's permission to put the weight down. You don't want to hear that, so you don't.
You asked how I overcame feeling stuck. I didn't overcome it by finding a new mission or getting a sign. I overcame it by finally accepting that the hardest thing I'd ever do was admit I needed help, needed rest, needed love that wasn't contingent on how much I could give. To stop trying to achieve worthiness and start receiving it.
Please stop asking God what's next and start asking what you need to let go of. You don't need a new purpose. You need to grieve the version of service that's been killing you slowly. Rest isn't something you earn after you've sacrificed enough. It's the foundation that enables sustainable service.
AND, you're not losing your audience by being honest. The people who matter aren't here for the upbeat performance. We're here for the truth. Keep writing. Keep being honest. And for God's sake, stop measuring your worth by how much you can carry for other people.
I'm here if you need to talk. Not to fix it. Just to sit with you in it.
Create a space of love for yourself. Actually care about yourself the way you care about everyone else. Lead with it. Start with it.
Dude this is awesome advice. I have no idea how to do any of that. Loving myself feels as foreign to me as just about anything. As far as putting the weight down. I don’t know what or how to do that. Definitely willing to try. It does boil down to just being exhausted. Ironically I know my purpose lies in what I do with some of these articles and the teaching / videos I make about nature. The frustration often is I’m so used up I can’t do those things like I need to. So the tank stays empty. Working on it.
While ideal, I don’t believe our purpose has to be tied to our paycheck. This mindset coupled with finding my renewed purpose outside of work, helps me through the challenging minutes, hours, and days.
And long story short, I lack any faith in a higher being; however I hold immense respect for you and anyone who is religious. I place my faith instead in doing and finding good in the world which I often observe in ordinary acts of kindness, love, etc.
Reading your post this week is a fantastic example of such an act. Sharing the private details of your life and its challenges isn’t something many are brave enough to do. Simultaneously it also lets us all know we’re not alone in our struggles.
I hope you find your purpose and restorative peace. Thank you for everything you do for our veteran community. b/r, Tom
Thanks a ton dude, I think it used to be easier to separate job from life and etc but for some reason lately it’s just hit a weird new gear. Maybe this is a midlife crisis, man who knows. I need to go touch grass and catch some snakes or something haha
Your commenter friends are very wise. I am not so wise but I just want to suggest that you continue to read Sean of the South, which is how I found your excellent writings perhaps a year ago. If you haven’t read Sean’s encouraging posts from Tuesday, Wednesday and especially Thursday this week, please do. Hang in there. There is goodness and Godness all around. In New Jersey, where I live, the spring peepers are out; their cheerful concerts always lift my spirits!
Spring is here, Stan. Let it reawaken you to everything that you love about life: nature and all its creatures. Your observation skills are so poetic, you’ve changed the way that I see nature - I look deeper, beneath the leaves, to see what is there; that secret world (but, God, please take my voles away!). A life of service is not a bad thing. You have touched more people than you know. And you continue to do so. I look forward to your writings every Friday, but for now, don’t do it for us, do it for yourself, to help you sort out this low point. Maybe a job change is in order, but maybe it’s looking beyond the job, to the things that REALLY matter. Spring is here. Be patient. Be observant. New growth is coming. 🌱 ❤️
One day at a time brother. I’m always here for you. Just a phone call away. It can certainly be frustrating that our wants and God’s timing don’t match up. He has big plans for you! I would be lying if I said it was easy to believe that right after my wife left me after 25years, but I trusted Him. And it has gotten a little easier each day. Thanks for sharing. Love you my dude!
Thanks dude, yea I’ve been meaning to anyway just to catch up. Grand scheme non of this shit matters, it’s just heavy now for some reason. Likely because I’ve just bottled a ton of stuff up for a long time. This too shall pass.
Stan, I am troubled to read where you view yourself as being right now. But I also understand because right now I am not far from where you are—that I am up reading at this hour indicates that! I don’t think I have been as down for as long as I am right now, and I have had some down periods though I have hidden them. I am not as fearless and vulnerable as you have been today and recently. It isn’t all you and it isn’t all me right now. God may be in heaven but nothing seems right with the world right now.
All my life I have had that Enlightenment faith in the future—that things are getting better. I have seen over my life that progress move two steps forward and one step back sometimes, but right now I feel like we have taken a number of steps back with only one or two forward. It’s hard to be optimistic in these times.
But looking at you I see reason for optimism. You just had your book published and it has received great reviews. I know that your job may not be the one you would prefer but I think of a friend from my first permanent job in the government. He was Harvard undergrad and Columbia Law. I thought he could do better (in saying this I do not intend to disparage government service—I respect those that serve with no uniform as much as I do those in one). I asked him why he stayed with DOJ. He said, I work to live, I don’t live to work.” So I say to you work to live and you are serving a customer base that needs you. You really are doing good.
I enjoy your writing. You are excellent at it Don’t lose confidence in yourself You have what it takes. Your stories touch me and others.
Finally, don’t lose your faith in God. I believe too though I don’t have the depth of your faith. As the commenter before me said it will get better—he, she or it is still in your corner but with the state of the world he, she or it is very busy right now!
Thanks Larry. I’m just in a weird place but I know it’ll get better. I’ve stuck it out at this job for the last 11 or so years but it’s just hit a crescendo lately and really hoping for something else soon. I feel like I need a month off just to sleep haha.
I have had a problem sleeping at night too. I believe sometimes it takes a crescendo of things not going right for things to change and it feels to me like we are there and sunshine will break through soon. Right now I am in the rucking view of life: just keep putting one foot in front on the other counting cadence and breathing in and out until it does.
Stan. I know exactly how you feel. Been there, done that. Stay strong. This will pass and you will come out stronger. Praying for you! See you soon. Love and Hugs!!
Thank you sir
Thanks for sharing this Stan. We all have days like this, yet you keep on writing. That resilience is preparing you for a greater challenge. One day the world will let you know what it is, and your tank will be full of purpose.
I've been stuck so many times, and I don't think anything I have done has helped me get out of it. Some days just feel like filler, but if you keep putting one foot in front of the next and you find a new day where the sunshine actually warms your heart, and you find joy where you weren't looking for it.
If you feel alone, know we're all here for you. When it feels like nobody cares, know that we do. When it feels like nobody is listening, know that we are.
Dude, I legit appreciate this. Thank you.
Bro, what you’re doing with this weekly post means more to people than you might realize. I’ve said it before and I’ll bet others agree, you say the things when they need to be said. Speaking for myself I always seem to read your writing at the time I needed a boost or a different perspective. I think that’s because what you’re saying, is what others are feeling! Life is tough right now, like Larry mentions. But I bet our grandparents and their grandparents had similar thoughts. Not to downplay our current feelings (I share yours) but i think we’re supposed to have different seasons. I think that’s what makes us. I also believe that we should change, not remain stagnant, and hardships help forge the person.
I’m definitely rambling, and far from eloquent, but don’t give up. I’m here for ya.
-Todd
I appreciate you bro. I do think each season is a lesson for sure. We do have it easier than other generations but I suppose our hardships are just the ones we know and have to deal with. Thanks so much for reading.
Brother,
Thank you for not skipping this week. Thank you for choosing honesty. That took courage.
I'm not going to tell you it gets better or that God has a plan. What I will tell you is this: you're not broken.
The death-by-a-thousand-cuts season you're in is the accumulated weight of serving everyone else while telling yourself your own needs don't matter as much. And I can tell you exactly where that comes from.
Our Christian culture's operating system is conditioned to see the cross as perfect love, making a perfect sacrifice. So we think sacrifice is the thing. To be worthy, we need to suffer to live up to the sacrifice. That plays incredibly well in military service, in ministry, in any culture that celebrates self-sacrifice.
We try to out-suffer each other. You can't run farther than I can? I'll run 100 miles to prove you can't. You can't carry more? I'll carry 150 pounds on my back to prove you can't. You can't sacrifice more? Watch me. Watch me. That's how we're wired.
"King Kong ain't got nothing on me." - Denzel Washington (Training Day)
And it works for a season, then it becomes the only thing you know how to do. Then it's just slow suicide with a halo on.
You're yelling at the steering wheel because you're still trying to out-suffer your way to meaning. Still waiting for God to give you a mission dramatic enough to justify existing. Still measuring your worth by how much you can carry for other people. But the ego that told you suffering was the way is also the barrier to healing: we never admit that we need rest, that we need help, that we're allowed to be human instead of a sacrifice machine.
God's not answering because the answer isn't another assignment. It's permission to put the weight down. You don't want to hear that, so you don't.
You asked how I overcame feeling stuck. I didn't overcome it by finding a new mission or getting a sign. I overcame it by finally accepting that the hardest thing I'd ever do was admit I needed help, needed rest, needed love that wasn't contingent on how much I could give. To stop trying to achieve worthiness and start receiving it.
Please stop asking God what's next and start asking what you need to let go of. You don't need a new purpose. You need to grieve the version of service that's been killing you slowly. Rest isn't something you earn after you've sacrificed enough. It's the foundation that enables sustainable service.
AND, you're not losing your audience by being honest. The people who matter aren't here for the upbeat performance. We're here for the truth. Keep writing. Keep being honest. And for God's sake, stop measuring your worth by how much you can carry for other people.
I'm here if you need to talk. Not to fix it. Just to sit with you in it.
Create a space of love for yourself. Actually care about yourself the way you care about everyone else. Lead with it. Start with it.
It will change everything.
—Fred
Stan, I wanted to let you know that for me I would rather hear your truth than silence.
I would rather hear your truth than hear what you think I want to hear.
I am sorry you have been going through such a hard time. It will pass. Sometimes quickly sometimes not.
Wonderful advice Fred & right on point!
Dude this is awesome advice. I have no idea how to do any of that. Loving myself feels as foreign to me as just about anything. As far as putting the weight down. I don’t know what or how to do that. Definitely willing to try. It does boil down to just being exhausted. Ironically I know my purpose lies in what I do with some of these articles and the teaching / videos I make about nature. The frustration often is I’m so used up I can’t do those things like I need to. So the tank stays empty. Working on it.
Stan,
While ideal, I don’t believe our purpose has to be tied to our paycheck. This mindset coupled with finding my renewed purpose outside of work, helps me through the challenging minutes, hours, and days.
And long story short, I lack any faith in a higher being; however I hold immense respect for you and anyone who is religious. I place my faith instead in doing and finding good in the world which I often observe in ordinary acts of kindness, love, etc.
Reading your post this week is a fantastic example of such an act. Sharing the private details of your life and its challenges isn’t something many are brave enough to do. Simultaneously it also lets us all know we’re not alone in our struggles.
I hope you find your purpose and restorative peace. Thank you for everything you do for our veteran community. b/r, Tom
Thanks a ton dude, I think it used to be easier to separate job from life and etc but for some reason lately it’s just hit a weird new gear. Maybe this is a midlife crisis, man who knows. I need to go touch grass and catch some snakes or something haha
Your commenter friends are very wise. I am not so wise but I just want to suggest that you continue to read Sean of the South, which is how I found your excellent writings perhaps a year ago. If you haven’t read Sean’s encouraging posts from Tuesday, Wednesday and especially Thursday this week, please do. Hang in there. There is goodness and Godness all around. In New Jersey, where I live, the spring peepers are out; their cheerful concerts always lift my spirits!
I’ll have to check those out, to be honest I haven’t read him in a minute so perhaps I’ll revisit
https://seandietrich.substack.com/p/to-the-person-ive-been-watching?utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=email
Thanks!
Spring is here, Stan. Let it reawaken you to everything that you love about life: nature and all its creatures. Your observation skills are so poetic, you’ve changed the way that I see nature - I look deeper, beneath the leaves, to see what is there; that secret world (but, God, please take my voles away!). A life of service is not a bad thing. You have touched more people than you know. And you continue to do so. I look forward to your writings every Friday, but for now, don’t do it for us, do it for yourself, to help you sort out this low point. Maybe a job change is in order, but maybe it’s looking beyond the job, to the things that REALLY matter. Spring is here. Be patient. Be observant. New growth is coming. 🌱 ❤️
Thank you, and you are so right. I saw a baby turtle in my pond yesterday and it for sure helped my mindset as dumb as that sounds.
One day at a time brother. I’m always here for you. Just a phone call away. It can certainly be frustrating that our wants and God’s timing don’t match up. He has big plans for you! I would be lying if I said it was easy to believe that right after my wife left me after 25years, but I trusted Him. And it has gotten a little easier each day. Thanks for sharing. Love you my dude!
Thanks dude, yea I’ve been meaning to anyway just to catch up. Grand scheme non of this shit matters, it’s just heavy now for some reason. Likely because I’ve just bottled a ton of stuff up for a long time. This too shall pass.
Stan, I am troubled to read where you view yourself as being right now. But I also understand because right now I am not far from where you are—that I am up reading at this hour indicates that! I don’t think I have been as down for as long as I am right now, and I have had some down periods though I have hidden them. I am not as fearless and vulnerable as you have been today and recently. It isn’t all you and it isn’t all me right now. God may be in heaven but nothing seems right with the world right now.
All my life I have had that Enlightenment faith in the future—that things are getting better. I have seen over my life that progress move two steps forward and one step back sometimes, but right now I feel like we have taken a number of steps back with only one or two forward. It’s hard to be optimistic in these times.
But looking at you I see reason for optimism. You just had your book published and it has received great reviews. I know that your job may not be the one you would prefer but I think of a friend from my first permanent job in the government. He was Harvard undergrad and Columbia Law. I thought he could do better (in saying this I do not intend to disparage government service—I respect those that serve with no uniform as much as I do those in one). I asked him why he stayed with DOJ. He said, I work to live, I don’t live to work.” So I say to you work to live and you are serving a customer base that needs you. You really are doing good.
I enjoy your writing. You are excellent at it Don’t lose confidence in yourself You have what it takes. Your stories touch me and others.
Finally, don’t lose your faith in God. I believe too though I don’t have the depth of your faith. As the commenter before me said it will get better—he, she or it is still in your corner but with the state of the world he, she or it is very busy right now!
Thanks Larry. I’m just in a weird place but I know it’ll get better. I’ve stuck it out at this job for the last 11 or so years but it’s just hit a crescendo lately and really hoping for something else soon. I feel like I need a month off just to sleep haha.
I have had a problem sleeping at night too. I believe sometimes it takes a crescendo of things not going right for things to change and it feels to me like we are there and sunshine will break through soon. Right now I am in the rucking view of life: just keep putting one foot in front on the other counting cadence and breathing in and out until it does.
I feel that, just taking it one day at a time
And get better it will...Just wait!
Here’s hoping